Home Again

I'm home from work again. I posted on Monday that I was feeling better. Well yesterday I started to not feel so great. I managed to get through the day at work, but I'm not sure that it's because I felt good, it may be that I was just to stubborn to go home. Last night when I got home I fell asleep holding Hannah, I think we slept about a half an hour. Usually when I fall asleep like that it helps me feel better, but when I woke up everyone else was eating dinner, and I still didn't feel to good. I decided to blew off that feeling of not feeling well and go to the library with Valerie and the kids. The library probably wasn't the best idea, not because of not feeling, but because it was pouring rain outside and we got soaked, even though we ran to the car. This is where I come to the part of not feeling good. Running to the car was a bad idea, when I got to the car, I could feel myself shaking. It's annoying to not be able to run to the car without having to pay a price for it. I was able to relax and felt pretty good while we were at the library. Of course, by the time came to leave, it was raining even harder than before, another run to the car. This one didn't feel as bad, my adrenaline was going, so I felt pretty good. By the time we got home I knew things weren't so good, I didn't feel great, but it was more of a thought than a feeling that led me to believe I may not be working today. As the evening went on, I pretty much figured that my initial thought was proving to be right. By the time bedtime rolled around, I felt pretty bad. So much so that I didn't even take my laptop upstairs to work on it, this what we usually do while we wait for Joseph to fall asleep. I only had enough energy to lay on the floor.

This morning I had to go through the all to familiar steps of deciding how I felt, and then call the boss and tell him I wasn't feeling well again. It feels like I've done this a million times, the only thing is that it never gets any easier. I guess this last little while, about two weeks, has been a little scarier that most times in the past. The feeling of not feeling quite right has been here and I guess I'm afraid it wont go away. The what ifs start playing in my head, what if I don't get better, what if I lose my job. I really don't want that to happen again, I've been there before when an employer comes up to you and asks what's going on. They feel guilty wanting to replace you, but they need the job to get done. I've only had one company do that, and I have no problem with it. The others ones don't say anything and try to let you keep working. That sometimes feels worse because you know that they want the work to get done, but they feel bad letting you go when you don't feel well and are providing for your family. I must say that I have never been fired, which tells me that all the companies that I have worked have been extremely nice and I thank them for that.

I know that the fall season is the worst season for me. Fall is also when I struggle most with the "what ifs". I know that it will get better, and as long as I take care of myself and resist being stubborn, that's a hard one for me, my wife will tell you that. She often knows before I do when I need to stay home. Thank you Honey.

I guess that is my update on how I am feeling. It rained last night and I am hoping that it will take the junk out of the air so I able to breathe outside again and start feeling better. As for today, I'm going to rest and try to relax so I can feel better and stop shaking, I can't tell you how annoying that can feel.